a little moment that reminded me I'm not a robot

subway platform, up on tiptoe, big down coats, a hug, a few seconds longer, a brush of cheeks and soft hair.

dear god we were young

VW fox, snow, electronic music, depression, bicycles. inspiration without looking on the internet.

A bizarre beginning to age 27

     This is going to be a long entry, so I understand if you don't get through it all.
   
     As I was getting ready, putting on makeup, my black velvet dress, and high heels, my stomach was not exactly agreeing with me. I decided to ignore it, and continued about my evening. We got to the bar, and the festivities were beginning. First challenge- the space we reserved was double booked, and we were forced into a very open area for the party. Second challenge- the nausea was really starting to get strong. I greeted people as they came and afterward would hustle to the bathroom just in case I was going to puke. I did this for about an hour, then Tyler came, and in his grace decided to start saying disgusting things to me because he knew it would turn my stomach. Congratulations Tyler, you did it- without a drink in me, I ran to the black and white tiled bathroom. There in my high heels and velvet dress puked into the porcelain bowl before me. I apologize to the girl in the stall next to me, it was truly disgusting. However! I felt so much better! I went back out to get some water and suddenly my party had grown by double and people were hugging me and helloing me, but the only thing I was thinking was "do i have puke on my breath?" I wasn't able to eat any birthday cake, but I definitely had a good time after that.
   
     I got home at about 2am, by 4 I was back in the bathroom puking, but at least I was home. I slept until 6pm the next day, at which point I was getting severe pain in my stomach back and kidneys. I thought it was just dehydration, I tried to drink, but I couldn't. Eventually, at about 11pm, I decided to call someone in my ward for a blessing, because I didn't want to go to the ER. Scott Brasher came, and the missionaries. I have not had a blessing in about 4 years or more. Its really hard for me to ask for one, but I figured now was a time for it. With that, and some lemon water, I was able to get through the night.
   
     I woke up on Monday at 12, it was my real birthday day, and I had a date in 5 hours. I was going to beat this thing because no way was I staying home on my birthday in a battle with a kidney infection. Hell no. So, after drinking 3 glasses of lemon juice, and watching 2 star wars movies, I was ready to face Manhattan and a first date.
    
     The thing about first dates, is sometimes you don't even know if it is a date, and the only way to really know is if he pays for stuff. In this case, although it was planned, and paired off, it was not paid for. So I guess it was a "first hang out". The ambiguity of this activity, and the fact that it was my birthday, and the whole "being so weak I could hardly go up and down the subway stairs" made a formula for a weird night. In addition, the guy I was going with, is also someone a friend of mine has a crush on. So I also felt a little sneaky and unsure as to whether I should tell this friend -"I'm pseudo hanging out with, going on a birthday date with, but not paid for activity with this guy you kind of have a crush on but are not dating. Is that okay?" or if I should just let it be. So I decided not to say anything, because that would make it less of a big deal.
    
     So we were waiting in line to get into a show called the MOTH. At the moment, we were actually talking about this girl and how we know her, when out of the blue here she comes saying, "oh great! I was hoping I would know someone in line!" I'm immediately stunned, speechless, guilty, and delighted at the perfect awkwardness of the situation. Of course she shows up in my moment of the crime against friendship. Because I can't get away with anything, even if it only alludes to the hint of a crime  because its not actually a date its a pseudo first hang out unpaid for activity with 2 people who are just getting to know eachother. I felt so uneasy, but tried to participate in a conversation that is a blur to me now. We all sat down at a table, and my non-date got up for a minute, she and I were alone

"Am I crashing your date?"
"No no no, its not a date, I'm paying for stuff. He just asked me to this."
"It's probably a date, I don't have to sit with you."
"No its fine, I was not sure if I should mention it to you because I didn't know what it was and he asked me."
"Did I tell you that I told him that I like him?"
"No, I'm sorry."
"I'm on a date too."
"This is so awkward."
"He's coming back."

     Finally the entertainment started and I was able to focus on something else. The night wore on and the pseudo non double date that had developed out of coincidence became less of an issue. We all went to eat at The Hummus Place with another 6 or so people, and sat at opposite ends of the table from eachother. I was finished conversing, not eating for 48+ hours was finally catching up, and I headed home. I think the best part of the evening was walking to the L train. The night was warm and it has just rained. There was a little bit of a breeze and Union Square was the most empty I had ever seen it. Steven and I talked about storytelling, different versions of reality, and therapy. He waited with me at the L even though he had to take the green line uptown.

I don't know what all of it means for 27, but this has been its very bizarre start.

baby pics

My mom was 22 years old when she made that costume from a pillow case.

just my luck

So, I have a crush on this guy that works at the bike shop. I often find excuses to walk by, ride by, or walk in and catch a glimpse of him, but totally avoid eye contact. I hope that somehow by doing this I will eventually find an opportunity to talk to him without being a total creep. Yesterday I thought, its nice out, I should ride my bike, but I'll have to pump up the tires at the bike shop, yes! another excuse! I went and of course the crush was there, I stayed turned away and pumped up my front tire. Then it was on to the back tire, I was almost finished when I slid my hand to readjust on the pump. When I finished, I saw the poo on my hand. There was poo on the pump handle! I thought, great, this is the chance I have been given to talk to my bike crush, "Hi, do you have something I can wash my hands with? I got crap on my hand." That would go over great, and not make me appear nerdy at all. Instead of using my golden brown opportunity, I opted to wipe as much as I could on the pavement and ride to my friend's house to wash up. Just my luck.

I recommend

I'm nervous for monday, I'm nervous for the future

All I know is that right now my life is not what I want it to be. I keep paying my dues thinking that it will end in something better. But what is that really? More work in retail? More work trying to sell something? A bigger paycheck? For what? I never really planned anything for myself, I just did whatever came to me. That is how I got the job at fredflare. I'm grateful for it, I'm so lucky and it is a great opportunity, its just not a job that points me in the direction I want to be headed. I thought it would be a good way to put me in New York comfortably so I could make necessary connections to do something greater. However with 50 hour workweeks, modest pay, and an "in front of the computer always" commitment, those connections have been hard to make. I've been reading online about jobs that interest me, something in academia, archiving, library science, teaching, art therapy, exhibitions; all of which require more education. I didn't want to go to grad school without a purpose, I didn't want to postpone my entering the professional world. But, the jobs I want, and the people I want to be surrounded by, are not found in a consumer field. I can't keep doing something I don't care about, I just don't know the steps I need to make to get out of it. I need a counselor, a mentor, or a map.

some ideas to explore

1. Music like Muddy Waters, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Robert Johnson, original rock n' roll- when I hear it, I feel it in my hips. Led Zepplin is still mostly in my hips, but it moves to my head sometimes. Music like New Order and Joy Division I feel in my heart and lungs. Newer music like The Flaming Lips, Health, and Sigur Ros I feel in my head. Does it seem like music is moving further away from sex? Are the drugs doing it? Like moving away from drinking which you feel in your body, and into marijuana you feel in your head? Is sex less interesting as it becomes so much more acceptable? Is music mimicking a social change in which we become more and more asexual? Am I making all of this up?- Probably.

2. I want to paint a night scene on my headboard. Probably white mountains, black outlines, and a gradient blue black sky with a friendly moon.

3. 6 foot canvas in my house is still blank. I have to at least START painting it before my birthday.

4. Being mormon is more and more like being Jewish to me. Its my culture, they are my people, it is my heritage, but it's not necessarily my life. I don't feel like its something that will get in the way of me connecting with others anymore. Although when people find out it immediately changes their perception of me, I am categorized and no longer possible to them. But I aim to change that. I agreed with that perception until recently when I went out with some new friends. They were awesome and I can see myself really connecting with them despite my religion.

5. This is my year of confessions. Ask me anything and I will tell you. It's something I'm trying to do so I won't be so emotionally distant. But whenever I confess something I get a little sad, like I gave up something important, only to be left a little emptier. I guess that is what you risk, and good friends don't leave you feeling emptier. But you won't find out who they are until you confess.

if you have not seen it already

jen cat

best pics from the trip home