alissa said it was time for a new post

and she is right. I'm starting to think maybe I will just write this for her. Like the letters of griffin and sabine, watch the conversation as it unfolds between two old friends. I was introduced to that book in high school and i always liked it, however, at the moment I can only recollect what it looks like and nothing of what was written. That is typical of me, i forget what was said or who said it, but I remember distinctly the look, smell, and feeling of the communication. Maybe this is why I come off as scatterbrained. Which I am, and I'm totally okay with it. Mo, calls me a Phoebe.
Tonight was New Years Eve, nothing will ever top the New Years Eve I had in Provo when Gifford let everyone come to the Motel 8 to swim and dance, I like Gifford so much for helping to make that memory. I feel like a lot of people now are too lazy to make memories, they expect it to just happen, but the thing with memories is that often they take a bit of effort, and a bit of magic. Tonight was a let down, not because of how I spent my midnight, but because no one had a sense of adventure. I had it, but I need partners in action to really make it happen. Oh well though, at least I was with friends.

It was time to get a coat

I got ready to meet up with Zack for dinner. I really didn't want to wear pants but it was a blizzard outside so I settled with wool leggings and sweatpants over them. I proceeded to layer with soft sweatshirts that you only wear in your house, and eventually covered up with my thin fall wool coat. I decided walking to bedford would be alright and I headed off. By the time I got there I was completely soaked, and I arrived looking like a madwoman. We met in Brooklyn Industries as my glasses fogged and the whole store turned to look at me in my pajamas and soaked coat. I really didn't care, I thought "this is my neighborhood". I grabbed a coat from the rack and bought it. The cashier said, "I think this will help you tonight." I finally gave in after 5 snowy years of saying I'll get one later, I have a real winter coat.

transitional

mo said that no one at work is dating because this place is transitional, everyone is looking on to the next big thing. people don't date when they are in transition. I thought, "but I'm always in a state of transition."

fears fears fears

I'm afraid of not doing things right, so when good opportunities present themselves, I just get really depressed because I might fail. If I fail then I feel worthless. I have to remember that value is not performance based, I can be valuable without doing things "right". I feel like people have a lot more faith in my abilities than they should. I think its because I'm tall, they think I know what I'm doing when I totally don't have any idea what the heck I am doing. ever. In other news, I'm singing in the choir Christmas program on Sunday and I'm pretty happy about it. I haven't done that in over 10 years, and its something I enjoy.

conversations at the McGorlick church

"I don't really know how to make music, but I played in a band in college"
"well just think of a name for our band, crazy rope, or still life with jack hammer"
"uh huh"
"I need a compressor called a distress-er"
"my therapist encouraged me to make actions to become closer to my sisters"
"its okay to cry"
"okay we can be crazy rope"

I felt loved when they noticed

1. Chris Allman asked if I was slightly crosseyed
2. Laura Eastin knew I was upset.
3. My mom said it was a lot to handle at once
4. Tim asked if there was pain in my face
5. The dentist asked if I was sensitive to spice
6. Alissa remembered that I don't like mustard