THE TALENT SHOW

NAVIGATION WITHOUT NUMBERS BY WYNN BULLOCK

still might be my favorite photo ever

ANDREW

GERDA TARO

FLESHTONES

CEMENT 2

CEMENT

VIGNETTE 7

I got a call from him when I was waiting for him on the porch, I knew it couldn't be good. He told me it was a hit and run, and that he just needed me to carry the bike. No ambulance or anything. I ran and met him at the G stop, he was swerving side to side on the sidewalk. We passed a group of thug types that were loitering on the corner (I say types because they weren't really thugs). They acted all tough and tried to talk to andrew and sell him coke, he just got up in their face and asked for bandages and showed them his hand spilling blood. They moved away. Then some bike kid with stretched earlobes was like "just go home and clean the fuck out of that".....Thanks...i guess??. Seriously - No bodegas had first aid kits, we resorted to even asking at a laundromat. It was a mess of a walk home, it was like we were in a ghetto, oh wait, isn't that a synonym for Greenpoint? Except in a ghetto I'm sure you would pay less for an apartment.

BUTTS ON BEDFORD

SONAR

Sonar from Renaud Hallée on Vimeo.

UNDER THE BOARDWALK

latitude 28° 44.20′ N and longitude 88° 23.23′ W

ITS BEEN ABOUT 4 WEEKS SINCE I BROKE MY SHOULDER

I only got to see my x ray briefly at the hospital and this is pretty much what I saw. Its a long story that most of you have heard already, so here is a picture. The next picture will hopefully be one of me back on my bike again.

FRIDAY

SAM SHERE AND MY WEEKEND BIOGRAPHY

F.C. GUNDLACH

BONES

FLY LADY DI

MARI

BRADLEY SMITH

BRIGITTE BARDOT

MARISA MELL

OLDIE

PAINTING IDEA 2

PAINTING IDEA 1

MY MIND WANDERS

I was out of the shower when I realized I forgot to shave my other leg.

R.I.P 602 Morgan 2007-2010

I wrote my address, but it wasn't correct. 602 is over, done, I moved out 2 weeks ago. Provo interns will no longer crash on the couch, no more jump rope in the back yard, and no more holding a torch for memories of New York debauchery. I had the best times with my best friends while living in that apartment but I'm happy to leave, I finally have a kitchen with a window in it! and tons of light in my new room. Its a trade off, there's not as much storage space, and I can hear the BQE all night. But, I've always had a thing for crown molding, and yes, I finally have crown molding. Its amazing.

SKETCHES NOT SKETCHERS

THE THINGS YOU FIND AT NIGHT

THIS HAPPENED

aspirations

Andrew grew up on the upper west side of New York. While he was playing hide and go seek on the grounds of Columbia University, I was catapulting dog poo over cement walls in the suburbs of the desert. He sang Handel's Messiah in the Cathedral of St. John the Devine, I sang TV show theme songs in a basketball gym. Last night he took me to see where he grew up and I have to say I was awestruck.
Everyone else probably already knows this, but the grounds at Columbia are incredible. Its old, regal, statuesque, picturesque, etc. and definitely looks nothing like New York. I kept thinking, "this is where I belong, this is where I want to be." It could have just been the contrast shock of coming from dirty Brooklyn, so I'm not sure I'm convinced my reaction was real. All I know is that after seeing it, I wanted nothing more than to go to school there. For what? In my dreams I would go for neuroscience or astrophysics, but considering I have no background in science, it will have to remain a fantasy.
I came home and my house smelled funny, I could hear the homeless man outside going through the trash looking for bottles. I pulled off my Williamsburg friendly boots, and fell asleep in my broken taco bed.

my first new york move

Alright, yes I should be packing. Yes I should have hired movers. And no I haven't started. I'm only moving down the street. Should be easy right? I have never been more wrong. Coming from Utah where I moved every 6 months, where there are trucks, everything is on the first floor, doors are always unlocked, and there are an abundance of helping hands that can be paid for with pizza, I didn't know what I was getting into today. I may have ruined several friendships in the process of moving 5 pieces of furniture. If I can give any advice to someone moving out here, pay the extra $100 to have someone do it for you, and save on the costliness of favors.

follow up to the sister texts

Of course the cheapest flights to Europe right now are to London from New York. I was really hoping for cheap tickets to Barcelona. My greatest desire is actually go to as far from London as possible. Where are those tickets sold and can I get them for under $500? Although, if I could meet up with Bardhi I would go. There are several questionable things I have agreed to do in the past, based on the stipulation of his involvement. This would be another one.

prayers answered

My prayers are being answered, but in non-latter day saint ways. I think someone else might be picking up my signals. Hopefully its a druid, or perhaps a griffin? Do griffins answer prayers? Hey Holly- its about time you made some art with a griffin in it. Just saying.

happy to announce

I now have more readers in New York than I do in Utah. That's probably a good sign right?

successful family reunion, the vaughn girls

Chaunte age 10, Raime age 7, Holly age 5,  Alex age 3. I was completely into catwoman from the moment I saw her. Michelle Pfeiffer's cold eyes and dark sexy insanity really did something in my 10 year old brain. I wore all black, made pointy claws out of paper and needles (which were stored in my paper temple from church), and did an endless routine of cartwheels. I always wanted to pretend I was her, and in doing so I employed my sisters in a bit of role playing. We had to have a Batman, and Raime was the only one who didn't mind playing a boy. I think she liked it because she got to wear a cape and jump off of the stairs. The cape would swoosh way up behind her each time. Holly was my other nemesis, the great female terrorist Red Claw. She was Lebanese I believe, and Holly had to try and do the accent even though she couldn't quite say her R's yet. I don't know how Alex ended up being Robin, it seemed like a difficult role to play as a 3 year old. I think sometimes I would just make her be my cat instead. She would meow and walk around on all fours, supporting me in my role as the leader of the cats.

don't read this one dad

I don't know why, but in the past few weeks, I have had several girlfriends discuss vibrators with me. In one incident last weekend - we were in Ricky's and Jen said "look! its not even scary." I responded with, "yes it is,  look at that typeface." The packaging read "silver bullet" in grey militant blocky 3D sans serif, against a red background. No way was I touching that.

today i thought "i have the best life"

When I was about 18-20 I thought, I have the best life ever, I'm so blessed I can hardly take it all in (btw a lot of that feeling had to do with my awesome car). That thought which was once a regular occurrence has been dormant for about 7 years now. Today I was eating brunch with some friends in a little restaurant on Grand street and the thought returned. Maybe it was the chocolate banana pancakes or the 45 degree weather that did it. Nothing has really changed, but it felt good.

texts

I love the texts I got today. My sisters are always looking out for me

Raime: "I can see you marrying someone foreign. Why don't you move out of the country?"

Holly: "You know that song, sweet dreams are made of these who am I to disagree travel the world and the seven seas everybody's looking for something. whenever I hear it I think of you and the nineties. same with kissed by a rose."

Amazing. I think they were both trying to tell me I will find my true love if I travel.

chaunte von blonde

Dream house

I went to the Dream House by La Monte Young and Marian Zazeela in Chinatown last night. If you haven't been, I would recommend it. Its an art installation that essentially deals with consistent light and sound frequencies (there's more subtext to it, but for a short story we'll just say that). The room is all white with fluorescent purple lights, 9 pillows on the floor, and 4 speakers. Each speaker is set to a different frequency, and when you are in different parts of the room  it sounds different. The sounds combine to create an all encompassing din, which at first was unnerving, but then becomes incredibly relaxing. The din was so loud and constant that I couldn't think, which completely relaxed my mind.  It also reminded me of punk shows in high school. I used to go to these crazy shows, but I would always feel like going to sleep. Weird, I know, but its that sound immersion that allows my mind to totally turn off. I could have stayed in there for hours.

cab driver

Before I forget, I was in a cab last week and had the following experience. I sat in the front seat and my 3 friends were in the back, classical music was playing, I said "great music." The driver, a strong wise sounding black man with a resonating deep voice and accent said to me, "classical music is the only music that doesn't detract, it always gives." I was immediately hooked, anything he said to me at that point I would have believed." He said he was from Guyana, and then asked how many countries were in South America. I thought, "this is just like cash cab!"- awesome. I guessed 20, there are 13. Then he proceeded to name all the capitals of each country. It was one of the best cab rides I've ever experienced.

my body

Yesterday I was looking at my body, I'm old. I think it just happened but I like it, I accept.

in 5 years

When asked how I see myself in 5 years, all I could think of was me in a room with really great natural lighting. I am doing something creative, but I don't know what it was.
I've always done what comes to me. From my choice of high school, then going to BYU, and now working at fred flare. It was just me doing what came. Those things aren't coming to me anymore, and I feel like now its up to me to bring on the next phase. It would help if I knew what I wanted, only that is the hardest question anyone could ask me. What do "I" want. How do other people know what they want? How do they pin their careers or education on one choice? One moment where they say "and then I knew"?

happy valentines day!

the red shorts unexpectedly came out of hibernation, just as the door was about to close.

looking through glass

I feel like a have a real problem connecting with people. I observe them as if they are part of an exhibit or something. Rather than engaging myself with them, I listen, absorb, and nod. I'm stuck inside myself, I don't even know what it would be like if I were not like that. I ask Nate Housley- how do I get out?

fun photoshoot friday

dear alissa

I bless you that you will be a writer.

a little moment that reminded me I'm not a robot

subway platform, up on tiptoe, big down coats, a hug, a few seconds longer, a brush of cheeks and soft hair.

dear god we were young

VW fox, snow, electronic music, depression, bicycles. inspiration without looking on the internet.

A bizarre beginning to age 27

     This is going to be a long entry, so I understand if you don't get through it all.
   
     As I was getting ready, putting on makeup, my black velvet dress, and high heels, my stomach was not exactly agreeing with me. I decided to ignore it, and continued about my evening. We got to the bar, and the festivities were beginning. First challenge- the space we reserved was double booked, and we were forced into a very open area for the party. Second challenge- the nausea was really starting to get strong. I greeted people as they came and afterward would hustle to the bathroom just in case I was going to puke. I did this for about an hour, then Tyler came, and in his grace decided to start saying disgusting things to me because he knew it would turn my stomach. Congratulations Tyler, you did it- without a drink in me, I ran to the black and white tiled bathroom. There in my high heels and velvet dress puked into the porcelain bowl before me. I apologize to the girl in the stall next to me, it was truly disgusting. However! I felt so much better! I went back out to get some water and suddenly my party had grown by double and people were hugging me and helloing me, but the only thing I was thinking was "do i have puke on my breath?" I wasn't able to eat any birthday cake, but I definitely had a good time after that.
   
     I got home at about 2am, by 4 I was back in the bathroom puking, but at least I was home. I slept until 6pm the next day, at which point I was getting severe pain in my stomach back and kidneys. I thought it was just dehydration, I tried to drink, but I couldn't. Eventually, at about 11pm, I decided to call someone in my ward for a blessing, because I didn't want to go to the ER. Scott Brasher came, and the missionaries. I have not had a blessing in about 4 years or more. Its really hard for me to ask for one, but I figured now was a time for it. With that, and some lemon water, I was able to get through the night.
   
     I woke up on Monday at 12, it was my real birthday day, and I had a date in 5 hours. I was going to beat this thing because no way was I staying home on my birthday in a battle with a kidney infection. Hell no. So, after drinking 3 glasses of lemon juice, and watching 2 star wars movies, I was ready to face Manhattan and a first date.
    
     The thing about first dates, is sometimes you don't even know if it is a date, and the only way to really know is if he pays for stuff. In this case, although it was planned, and paired off, it was not paid for. So I guess it was a "first hang out". The ambiguity of this activity, and the fact that it was my birthday, and the whole "being so weak I could hardly go up and down the subway stairs" made a formula for a weird night. In addition, the guy I was going with, is also someone a friend of mine has a crush on. So I also felt a little sneaky and unsure as to whether I should tell this friend -"I'm pseudo hanging out with, going on a birthday date with, but not paid for activity with this guy you kind of have a crush on but are not dating. Is that okay?" or if I should just let it be. So I decided not to say anything, because that would make it less of a big deal.
    
     So we were waiting in line to get into a show called the MOTH. At the moment, we were actually talking about this girl and how we know her, when out of the blue here she comes saying, "oh great! I was hoping I would know someone in line!" I'm immediately stunned, speechless, guilty, and delighted at the perfect awkwardness of the situation. Of course she shows up in my moment of the crime against friendship. Because I can't get away with anything, even if it only alludes to the hint of a crime  because its not actually a date its a pseudo first hang out unpaid for activity with 2 people who are just getting to know eachother. I felt so uneasy, but tried to participate in a conversation that is a blur to me now. We all sat down at a table, and my non-date got up for a minute, she and I were alone

"Am I crashing your date?"
"No no no, its not a date, I'm paying for stuff. He just asked me to this."
"It's probably a date, I don't have to sit with you."
"No its fine, I was not sure if I should mention it to you because I didn't know what it was and he asked me."
"Did I tell you that I told him that I like him?"
"No, I'm sorry."
"I'm on a date too."
"This is so awkward."
"He's coming back."

     Finally the entertainment started and I was able to focus on something else. The night wore on and the pseudo non double date that had developed out of coincidence became less of an issue. We all went to eat at The Hummus Place with another 6 or so people, and sat at opposite ends of the table from eachother. I was finished conversing, not eating for 48+ hours was finally catching up, and I headed home. I think the best part of the evening was walking to the L train. The night was warm and it has just rained. There was a little bit of a breeze and Union Square was the most empty I had ever seen it. Steven and I talked about storytelling, different versions of reality, and therapy. He waited with me at the L even though he had to take the green line uptown.

I don't know what all of it means for 27, but this has been its very bizarre start.

baby pics

My mom was 22 years old when she made that costume from a pillow case.

just my luck

So, I have a crush on this guy that works at the bike shop. I often find excuses to walk by, ride by, or walk in and catch a glimpse of him, but totally avoid eye contact. I hope that somehow by doing this I will eventually find an opportunity to talk to him without being a total creep. Yesterday I thought, its nice out, I should ride my bike, but I'll have to pump up the tires at the bike shop, yes! another excuse! I went and of course the crush was there, I stayed turned away and pumped up my front tire. Then it was on to the back tire, I was almost finished when I slid my hand to readjust on the pump. When I finished, I saw the poo on my hand. There was poo on the pump handle! I thought, great, this is the chance I have been given to talk to my bike crush, "Hi, do you have something I can wash my hands with? I got crap on my hand." That would go over great, and not make me appear nerdy at all. Instead of using my golden brown opportunity, I opted to wipe as much as I could on the pavement and ride to my friend's house to wash up. Just my luck.

I recommend

I'm nervous for monday, I'm nervous for the future

All I know is that right now my life is not what I want it to be. I keep paying my dues thinking that it will end in something better. But what is that really? More work in retail? More work trying to sell something? A bigger paycheck? For what? I never really planned anything for myself, I just did whatever came to me. That is how I got the job at fredflare. I'm grateful for it, I'm so lucky and it is a great opportunity, its just not a job that points me in the direction I want to be headed. I thought it would be a good way to put me in New York comfortably so I could make necessary connections to do something greater. However with 50 hour workweeks, modest pay, and an "in front of the computer always" commitment, those connections have been hard to make. I've been reading online about jobs that interest me, something in academia, archiving, library science, teaching, art therapy, exhibitions; all of which require more education. I didn't want to go to grad school without a purpose, I didn't want to postpone my entering the professional world. But, the jobs I want, and the people I want to be surrounded by, are not found in a consumer field. I can't keep doing something I don't care about, I just don't know the steps I need to make to get out of it. I need a counselor, a mentor, or a map.

some ideas to explore

1. Music like Muddy Waters, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Robert Johnson, original rock n' roll- when I hear it, I feel it in my hips. Led Zepplin is still mostly in my hips, but it moves to my head sometimes. Music like New Order and Joy Division I feel in my heart and lungs. Newer music like The Flaming Lips, Health, and Sigur Ros I feel in my head. Does it seem like music is moving further away from sex? Are the drugs doing it? Like moving away from drinking which you feel in your body, and into marijuana you feel in your head? Is sex less interesting as it becomes so much more acceptable? Is music mimicking a social change in which we become more and more asexual? Am I making all of this up?- Probably.

2. I want to paint a night scene on my headboard. Probably white mountains, black outlines, and a gradient blue black sky with a friendly moon.

3. 6 foot canvas in my house is still blank. I have to at least START painting it before my birthday.

4. Being mormon is more and more like being Jewish to me. Its my culture, they are my people, it is my heritage, but it's not necessarily my life. I don't feel like its something that will get in the way of me connecting with others anymore. Although when people find out it immediately changes their perception of me, I am categorized and no longer possible to them. But I aim to change that. I agreed with that perception until recently when I went out with some new friends. They were awesome and I can see myself really connecting with them despite my religion.

5. This is my year of confessions. Ask me anything and I will tell you. It's something I'm trying to do so I won't be so emotionally distant. But whenever I confess something I get a little sad, like I gave up something important, only to be left a little emptier. I guess that is what you risk, and good friends don't leave you feeling emptier. But you won't find out who they are until you confess.

if you have not seen it already

jen cat

best pics from the trip home