memory capsule 2005

sneaking in to the Maeser building and playing the piano for a friend. the whole building was silent, dark wood walls, dim lights, and a baby grand.

separation

Awake at night, church in the morning. Walking the bridge its all the same.

I still might always want what is bad for me

I might be addicted to doing the wrong thing. For a long time I have known grad school is the way to go for me, but because it seems so right, I can't do it. Its too easy, I have to do New York because its hard, I do photography because its hard, I date boys that drive me nuts because if I really like them, it won't work out. Despite knowing this about myself, I don't really have motivation to change.

best parts of cambridge and akron

Cambridge:
it didn't matter what I wore
harvard looks like hogwarts
vegan food is delicious (thanks betty)
max is still one of my favorite people to photograph
clean parks
seurat sunday afternoons

Ohio:
walking in the grass barefoot without fear of dog poo or hypodermic needles
great thrift stores that have not been picked over
real houses with real yards
back porch
easy access to Target! (again with Target, I know)
7 hours in the car with Jen and I'll still never get bored.

creepy? old? greasy? hip?

Sometimes when you are walking down Bedford, its hard to tell until you get close whether the guy walking toward you is a creepy old man, or a hipster. Depending on how far you are away from Williamsburg, and how close you are getting to Greenpoint, determines the likelihood of which possibility is more likely.

he and she

I enjoy relationships where both parties are allowed to gripe and bite at eachother while remaining attached at the hip. Not that they should gripe and bite all the time, but they should be allowed the courtesy of expressing frustration without fear.

summer 2009

sometimes I really wish my online persona didn't have to be a resume. But lets face it, everything that shows up online is part of your resume, and you're not going to write something that won't get you the job.

i love finding old goodies

i like to move

Does anyone have any suggestions as to where I should move after I'm done with this place? I'm getting antsy.

isn't this the prettiest? i need to do something with it

vignette 3

I was walking across an empty rainy Williamsburg Bridge at midnight, and came across a drummer. He sat at a full drum set, playing to the sounds of the city. No basket for money, it was just his practice space. Above the cars and the J train, misty raindrops fell on us. We mutually smiled, I kept walking, and he kept playing.

vignette 2

So I am on the A train going to Zack and Brenda's house, I look across from me and there is a very interesting man sitting across from me. He is all muscle, black, short dreds, stocky, compact like a warrior. He has long eyelids and long spaces between his facial features. He wears campers, simple dark jeans, and a blue t-shirt. He has a compact black backpack stocked full, and a monopod in one hand. All of this implies strength and masculinity, body builder, Vin Diesel comes to mind, but at the same time, he is flipping and twirling his hair like a girl. Eventually we meet in a staring contest. You know, the way you and another passenger just look around at nothing, but accidentally meet eyes. That happens and I eventually cracked a smile. He smiled back, and we went back to looking at nothing. It was normal, but for some reason I felt like we understood each other. It was probably the monopod. Anyway, I have my head down for a few more stops, he gets out somewhere around 103. I catch him glance back at me through the door. I look to the window and smile as he passes. He smiles back soo big, I see him through the second door still looking back so this time I wave. He gets a skip in his step and grins as the train doors close and he walks down the platform. I don't know what we shared, but it was so nice, and it was so New York.

vignette 1

Friday night I caught a short handsome man in a sweatsuit looking at my shoes. I wanted to be sure so I danced a little, walked a little, and sure enough he was still watching. I got on the train and stood next to him. He burst into a big smile and a thick Italian accent and told me they were the best shoes he had ever seen. I was getting out a piece of paper to write where I had got them, when I accidentally fell onto a 7 foot man with long curly metal hair. I said sorry, and he said, "It's alright, your shoes are really awesome."

the line reads

and it was the summer of 2009.

using gradient maps

no joke

This is what I look like after sitting outside for an hour reading the ensign. And it really hurts too! I should explain, I pulled up my v-neck shirt and rolled up the sleeves; hence the red patches. I tend to think that the sun can't get me, especially if I'm reading holy literature. What a fool.

10 things i learned while in vegas this weekend

1. my mom was in theatre in junior high and played the tin man in the wizard of oz
2. my grandmother has an unfiltered disposition, especially in front of a crowd
3. holly is amazing, I need her to be my life assistant
4. alex and I are a lot alike (knew that, just further affirmed)
5. my great great grandmother was in a mental hospital for 30 years of her life (which is strangely relieving, it explains a lot)
6. my dad is really cool (I new that one already)
7. My homeward is amazing (already knew). Leaving the church would be too hard because of their humbling examples of awesomeness.
8. I love target in vegas because it is mostly empty, clean, and has lots of stuff you need
9. I'm pretty sure I don't want to have a wedding
10. I can iron 10 tables of linen in 2 hours

best catch ever

3 generations

thinking faces

cuz

11:38 pm

I will blog about my sister's wedding soon, but for now I just want to recount the last few hours. Got home from the airport, bike ride, deliiiiicccious french dinner compliments of matt wood, - halibut, oysters, and strawberry shortcake for dessert, bike ride, lord of the rings at clark's house, bike ride home, I am fat and happy and very very sleepy. alissa is ichatting me right now.

hip hip soooooo hip

It feels crappy to fill out a profile about yourself and find out that you are a hipster. Not that you are completely defined by liking joy division, photography, bikes, and blackberries, but when you look at it online it can be embarrassing. I wasn't sold these favorites, or was I? It does help that I still believe in God and go to church, that is not really a hipster thing to do. I also smile a lot.

to max and betty

I have been watching so much Buffy the Vampire Slayer that it's not even funny. I liked it when I was younger, but now? I'm obsessed.

1 year benchmark

I've been in New York for one year. I moved here on May 22 2008. It really feels like I've just blinked.

What have I gained? An apartment, great food, experimental experiences, heart palpitations, a few wrinkles, a few pounds, a therapist, a love for Matt Wood and Tyler Smart, easy access to cool culture, a dog once a week, and a Jen Koehl.

What have I lost? my long hair, a large group of awesome friends that live no more than 10 blocks away, free time (did I ever have that?), mountains, space, photography ambition, and alissa in her egg car outside my door at the snap of my fingers.

was it worth it?

today was one of those days

Watching Angels and Demons last night was the starting point of the trouble. I didn't get home until 1:30, and I was so upset by it that I stayed up till 3. Then somehow I went the wrong way to church, to lunch, and to home today. It was so bad that I considered I was in the twilight zone. It was so bad that when I got home at 4 I took an angry nap for 4.5 hours, hoping when I woke up everything would be set straight. I'm not sure if it is but I'm glad today is over.

please check my work. my memory is rusty

Alissa made a quiz about herself and said I should make one too. I was trying to think of questions, but everything I thought of had to do with hilarious moments in provo and nothing really to do with me. I think I will eventually post some of those thoughts, but this is the tangent that led me to realize, the years are blurring so much for me, I've got to sort them out somehow. So, I'm going to try and categorize the years by Halloweens since 2004.

2003: sci fi 60's girl with a lazergun. Las Vegas, awesome party at Todd's house. Andrew was my counterpart with hockey pads, no shirt, and ski pants. Kyle was a Jedi, and Cullen didn't dress up.

2004: sci fi 60's bodysuit costume with max. he was a bobsledder. that was also the year everybody came out to vegas for the weekend before halloween, arthur was jiggly puff. midwife crisis played at the provo art museum



2005: skeleton costume with arthur. but i actually ended up spending it with liz and stefan, arthur was rufio. there was a big party at the cabin


2006: i can't remember for the life of me what this was. i know i was dating (sort of) stefan, i lived in that mansion that i got kicked out of and moved into the clinic. was that the pirate year? pirate costume with holly. holly had tattoos. but that halloween i spent with chase. where was alissa? this all makes no sense to me. georgiana wore the skeleton costume from 2005 and stuffed it with pillows- amazing.

2007: matt wood was andy warhol, alissa was edie segwick, was I also andy warhol at one point? arthur was bill the butcher. was that really all i did besides goth prom? that can't be right.

2008: masquerade costumes with arthur. trip to philly. delicious morrocan food..

i don't think these are right. my stories are full of holes. help me out? does anyone remember?

dog walking

As many of you know, I have been puppy hungry for a long time. I've never gotten too close to actually following though. The closest I have come was last week when I offered to babysit the neighbor's dog Zoe. Zoe is a tiny fluffy yuppie dog with a rhinestone halter and a bow in her hair. I didn't think much of it until I took her out for a walk. Lo and behold, there were lots of people out, and I did not feel cool in the slightest. I was actually embarrassed to be walking a dog wearing rhinestones. She was prancing all girly, and I am big and tall and wearing all black, it was like Mick Jagger walking a fluffy pink toddler. (not that I am like mick jagger, but you get the idea). I used to think I could get a small dog, since I'm in the city and all, but I can't. I want a big dog now, or at least one without a bow.

il weekend

There are way too many things to talk about. As usual, I'll just put it into list form.

1. Arthur left for Ireland and etc. Where does that leave me? Optimistic about New York, curious about new people, with closets full of nautical/glam themed gear, and a little lost.

2. Friday my cab driver hit a pedestrian. I ended up locked in the cab while a crowd gathered. The pedestrian dramatically layed on the hood for a while, looked around, and slinked down to the pavement. I think he threw himself at the cab, it was pretty funny/ bizarre. Eventually I escaped and caught another ride.

3. The Met is always wonderful, sometimes I feel a little naughty getting turned on by typefaces, charcoal, paper, lighting, and paint with a bunch of people around. Good art makes me so weak in the knees. It is, after all, the strongest aphrodisiac.

4. My sister Raime got her divorce papers back from Salt Lake. They say she has to wait another year to get married in the temple. It really rubs me the wrong way, because she and her fiancé have already waited a year, but I have to trust that it's the right thing for them.

5. I've been talking a lot to my sister Alex, she's going to BYU. She has had a few run ins with my Provo friends and I loooooove it. I finally feel like going back to visit. I don't know when I would have the chance, maybe I'll go for Sego or something.

6. The Sonics version of Have Love, Will Travel is so so good. I had it on a tape in high school. I totally forgot about it until I saw "Rock n' Rolla". Thanks for the reminder Guy.

another purging sesh

**TMI disclaimer**I have never experienced anything like what happened today. I found out that I am allowed to make mistakes. I've heard it a million times, and of course on the surface I agree that people are human and make mistakes, so I can too. However, I really thought that applied to everyone but me. Being a creative, all I have done since I was about 14 years old was "try to get it right". When I was 14 is when I started taking art very seriously, I started becoming critical of EVERYTHING. It's also when my thoughts of suicide increased. It was a casual thought, a casual jump off a cliff, a knife, a gun, a car wreck. It seemed fine, but the thoughts would get really intense though whenever I made a mistake. Making a mistake meant I was worthless, "I got it wrong", I seriously wanted to die every time. Insane right? I know that, I knew that, but I didn't know how to make those awful thoughts stop. Its been really bad the past 5 years, the expectations of perfection have been paralyzing, I've hardly produced any work because I "might get it wrong". Come to find out today, it's okay to make mistakes. It's a necessary, healthy part of the creative process. I need to get a little messy. And I have to make art (that was part of the last session, I never put it together that I am happier when I have a creative outlet, duh I know). I know this is probably really obvious to everyone, but it's not obvious to me. And finding out, and saying it out loud, caused a reaction in my head that can be described in no other way than a chris angel mind freak.

Robert Longo where have you been all my life?

I can't help it, I might 100% copy this guy. hopefully it will segue into something original and amazing, but for now at least it will force me to buy some charcoal.

cute

central park. need i say more?

this has happened twice now

I was in bed and my ipod came on inside my purse randomly. It played With a Girl Like You by the Troggs. Its a great song, a delight in fact - despite the ghostly nature of music coming on as I was falling asleep. In conclusion, I'm okay with my ipod being possessed as along as it chooses good songs.

my bed

taking care of business

I just had my first session with a therapist today over the phone. It was nothing like this picture. But that is a great picture isn't it?

hi mom:) this is what I do at work

working again

all you need is a window, some paper, and some fine sculptured jewelry to have a good saturday.

boys club

these are my mondays and wednesdays and sometimes saturdays

Hey!

Somebody wrote "I <3 Chaunte" on the inside tag of my black coat! I don't know who did it or how long its been there but I just found it! The coat is 2 years old, it could have been anyone. Holly? was it you??? Alissa? I'm dying to know.

i'm not obsessed, i'm just saying

Gemma Booth

it felt good at first

but I don't want to wear this ring anymore

phone call

Alissa: I'm gonna go you're not even listening anymore
me: I am listening i'm just really tired
Alissa: you might as well be listening out of your butt
me: yeah, I'm listening out of my butt-hole

okay okay, just one more thing

I'd also like to see more of this on the dancefloor

it's never too early for halloween

Okay, here's the plan. I'll do all the work if you just promise to be there and wear the costume.

I need one or more of the following:
a robot
a skeleton
a swimmer
a breakdancer
a mummy

We will go to the NYC parade, carry a boombox, and then go wherever the night takes us. Any volunteers?

i almost forgot

I've been trying to find this song online but I can't. It's the "Sunshine in My Soul" hymn, but it sounds like a 1950's toothpaste commercial. I heard it in South Carolina on the radio. Anyone know where I can find it?

3:08 am

my life is so weird sometimes. so so so weird. i know this is abstract but maybe i can put it this way. I'm not used to the way things feel in the late/early hours of the night. This weekend I have felt like it was 4 in the morning the whole time. it might have something to do with having no real plans, I didn't have errands to run, ate very little, watched madagascar 2....this is starting to sound like a very normal weekend. But I assure you it was weird. I really don't think I should ever stay up past 12.

if I were in provo

I would hope that this was happening at the dance parties

tyler is jessa's love

from a bum

I walked out of work today and there was a bum riding a bike. As he passed me he said, "Marry me will ya? just marry me!" I laughed and I thought, "At least someone wants me." Not in a sad way, just in a- "why isn't everybody as open as that?" I think its really ingrained in us these days to be cool, so much that people don't just openly like one another. I called Alissa and we talked about the moment that had just happened. We discussed that we wished that boys would just come up to us if they think we are cute, just come up and talk. It's no big deal. Guys don't do that though, they look, and then they look away. It's so annoying. Just be cool! Tell me if you are into me, be like the bum "Marry me!"