Dream house

I went to the Dream House by La Monte Young and Marian Zazeela in Chinatown last night. If you haven't been, I would recommend it. Its an art installation that essentially deals with consistent light and sound frequencies (there's more subtext to it, but for a short story we'll just say that). The room is all white with fluorescent purple lights, 9 pillows on the floor, and 4 speakers. Each speaker is set to a different frequency, and when you are in different parts of the room  it sounds different. The sounds combine to create an all encompassing din, which at first was unnerving, but then becomes incredibly relaxing. The din was so loud and constant that I couldn't think, which completely relaxed my mind.  It also reminded me of punk shows in high school. I used to go to these crazy shows, but I would always feel like going to sleep. Weird, I know, but its that sound immersion that allows my mind to totally turn off. I could have stayed in there for hours.

cab driver

Before I forget, I was in a cab last week and had the following experience. I sat in the front seat and my 3 friends were in the back, classical music was playing, I said "great music." The driver, a strong wise sounding black man with a resonating deep voice and accent said to me, "classical music is the only music that doesn't detract, it always gives." I was immediately hooked, anything he said to me at that point I would have believed." He said he was from Guyana, and then asked how many countries were in South America. I thought, "this is just like cash cab!"- awesome. I guessed 20, there are 13. Then he proceeded to name all the capitals of each country. It was one of the best cab rides I've ever experienced.

my body

Yesterday I was looking at my body, I'm old. I think it just happened but I like it, I accept.

in 5 years

When asked how I see myself in 5 years, all I could think of was me in a room with really great natural lighting. I am doing something creative, but I don't know what it was.
I've always done what comes to me. From my choice of high school, then going to BYU, and now working at fred flare. It was just me doing what came. Those things aren't coming to me anymore, and I feel like now its up to me to bring on the next phase. It would help if I knew what I wanted, only that is the hardest question anyone could ask me. What do "I" want. How do other people know what they want? How do they pin their careers or education on one choice? One moment where they say "and then I knew"?

happy valentines day!

the red shorts unexpectedly came out of hibernation, just as the door was about to close.

looking through glass

I feel like a have a real problem connecting with people. I observe them as if they are part of an exhibit or something. Rather than engaging myself with them, I listen, absorb, and nod. I'm stuck inside myself, I don't even know what it would be like if I were not like that. I ask Nate Housley- how do I get out?

fun photoshoot friday

dear alissa

I bless you that you will be a writer.

a little moment that reminded me I'm not a robot

subway platform, up on tiptoe, big down coats, a hug, a few seconds longer, a brush of cheeks and soft hair.

dear god we were young

VW fox, snow, electronic music, depression, bicycles. inspiration without looking on the internet.

A bizarre beginning to age 27

     This is going to be a long entry, so I understand if you don't get through it all.
   
     As I was getting ready, putting on makeup, my black velvet dress, and high heels, my stomach was not exactly agreeing with me. I decided to ignore it, and continued about my evening. We got to the bar, and the festivities were beginning. First challenge- the space we reserved was double booked, and we were forced into a very open area for the party. Second challenge- the nausea was really starting to get strong. I greeted people as they came and afterward would hustle to the bathroom just in case I was going to puke. I did this for about an hour, then Tyler came, and in his grace decided to start saying disgusting things to me because he knew it would turn my stomach. Congratulations Tyler, you did it- without a drink in me, I ran to the black and white tiled bathroom. There in my high heels and velvet dress puked into the porcelain bowl before me. I apologize to the girl in the stall next to me, it was truly disgusting. However! I felt so much better! I went back out to get some water and suddenly my party had grown by double and people were hugging me and helloing me, but the only thing I was thinking was "do i have puke on my breath?" I wasn't able to eat any birthday cake, but I definitely had a good time after that.
   
     I got home at about 2am, by 4 I was back in the bathroom puking, but at least I was home. I slept until 6pm the next day, at which point I was getting severe pain in my stomach back and kidneys. I thought it was just dehydration, I tried to drink, but I couldn't. Eventually, at about 11pm, I decided to call someone in my ward for a blessing, because I didn't want to go to the ER. Scott Brasher came, and the missionaries. I have not had a blessing in about 4 years or more. Its really hard for me to ask for one, but I figured now was a time for it. With that, and some lemon water, I was able to get through the night.
   
     I woke up on Monday at 12, it was my real birthday day, and I had a date in 5 hours. I was going to beat this thing because no way was I staying home on my birthday in a battle with a kidney infection. Hell no. So, after drinking 3 glasses of lemon juice, and watching 2 star wars movies, I was ready to face Manhattan and a first date.
    
     The thing about first dates, is sometimes you don't even know if it is a date, and the only way to really know is if he pays for stuff. In this case, although it was planned, and paired off, it was not paid for. So I guess it was a "first hang out". The ambiguity of this activity, and the fact that it was my birthday, and the whole "being so weak I could hardly go up and down the subway stairs" made a formula for a weird night. In addition, the guy I was going with, is also someone a friend of mine has a crush on. So I also felt a little sneaky and unsure as to whether I should tell this friend -"I'm pseudo hanging out with, going on a birthday date with, but not paid for activity with this guy you kind of have a crush on but are not dating. Is that okay?" or if I should just let it be. So I decided not to say anything, because that would make it less of a big deal.
    
     So we were waiting in line to get into a show called the MOTH. At the moment, we were actually talking about this girl and how we know her, when out of the blue here she comes saying, "oh great! I was hoping I would know someone in line!" I'm immediately stunned, speechless, guilty, and delighted at the perfect awkwardness of the situation. Of course she shows up in my moment of the crime against friendship. Because I can't get away with anything, even if it only alludes to the hint of a crime  because its not actually a date its a pseudo first hang out unpaid for activity with 2 people who are just getting to know eachother. I felt so uneasy, but tried to participate in a conversation that is a blur to me now. We all sat down at a table, and my non-date got up for a minute, she and I were alone

"Am I crashing your date?"
"No no no, its not a date, I'm paying for stuff. He just asked me to this."
"It's probably a date, I don't have to sit with you."
"No its fine, I was not sure if I should mention it to you because I didn't know what it was and he asked me."
"Did I tell you that I told him that I like him?"
"No, I'm sorry."
"I'm on a date too."
"This is so awkward."
"He's coming back."

     Finally the entertainment started and I was able to focus on something else. The night wore on and the pseudo non double date that had developed out of coincidence became less of an issue. We all went to eat at The Hummus Place with another 6 or so people, and sat at opposite ends of the table from eachother. I was finished conversing, not eating for 48+ hours was finally catching up, and I headed home. I think the best part of the evening was walking to the L train. The night was warm and it has just rained. There was a little bit of a breeze and Union Square was the most empty I had ever seen it. Steven and I talked about storytelling, different versions of reality, and therapy. He waited with me at the L even though he had to take the green line uptown.

I don't know what all of it means for 27, but this has been its very bizarre start.

baby pics

My mom was 22 years old when she made that costume from a pillow case.

just my luck

So, I have a crush on this guy that works at the bike shop. I often find excuses to walk by, ride by, or walk in and catch a glimpse of him, but totally avoid eye contact. I hope that somehow by doing this I will eventually find an opportunity to talk to him without being a total creep. Yesterday I thought, its nice out, I should ride my bike, but I'll have to pump up the tires at the bike shop, yes! another excuse! I went and of course the crush was there, I stayed turned away and pumped up my front tire. Then it was on to the back tire, I was almost finished when I slid my hand to readjust on the pump. When I finished, I saw the poo on my hand. There was poo on the pump handle! I thought, great, this is the chance I have been given to talk to my bike crush, "Hi, do you have something I can wash my hands with? I got crap on my hand." That would go over great, and not make me appear nerdy at all. Instead of using my golden brown opportunity, I opted to wipe as much as I could on the pavement and ride to my friend's house to wash up. Just my luck.

I recommend

I'm nervous for monday, I'm nervous for the future

All I know is that right now my life is not what I want it to be. I keep paying my dues thinking that it will end in something better. But what is that really? More work in retail? More work trying to sell something? A bigger paycheck? For what? I never really planned anything for myself, I just did whatever came to me. That is how I got the job at fredflare. I'm grateful for it, I'm so lucky and it is a great opportunity, its just not a job that points me in the direction I want to be headed. I thought it would be a good way to put me in New York comfortably so I could make necessary connections to do something greater. However with 50 hour workweeks, modest pay, and an "in front of the computer always" commitment, those connections have been hard to make. I've been reading online about jobs that interest me, something in academia, archiving, library science, teaching, art therapy, exhibitions; all of which require more education. I didn't want to go to grad school without a purpose, I didn't want to postpone my entering the professional world. But, the jobs I want, and the people I want to be surrounded by, are not found in a consumer field. I can't keep doing something I don't care about, I just don't know the steps I need to make to get out of it. I need a counselor, a mentor, or a map.

some ideas to explore

1. Music like Muddy Waters, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Robert Johnson, original rock n' roll- when I hear it, I feel it in my hips. Led Zepplin is still mostly in my hips, but it moves to my head sometimes. Music like New Order and Joy Division I feel in my heart and lungs. Newer music like The Flaming Lips, Health, and Sigur Ros I feel in my head. Does it seem like music is moving further away from sex? Are the drugs doing it? Like moving away from drinking which you feel in your body, and into marijuana you feel in your head? Is sex less interesting as it becomes so much more acceptable? Is music mimicking a social change in which we become more and more asexual? Am I making all of this up?- Probably.

2. I want to paint a night scene on my headboard. Probably white mountains, black outlines, and a gradient blue black sky with a friendly moon.

3. 6 foot canvas in my house is still blank. I have to at least START painting it before my birthday.

4. Being mormon is more and more like being Jewish to me. Its my culture, they are my people, it is my heritage, but it's not necessarily my life. I don't feel like its something that will get in the way of me connecting with others anymore. Although when people find out it immediately changes their perception of me, I am categorized and no longer possible to them. But I aim to change that. I agreed with that perception until recently when I went out with some new friends. They were awesome and I can see myself really connecting with them despite my religion.

5. This is my year of confessions. Ask me anything and I will tell you. It's something I'm trying to do so I won't be so emotionally distant. But whenever I confess something I get a little sad, like I gave up something important, only to be left a little emptier. I guess that is what you risk, and good friends don't leave you feeling emptier. But you won't find out who they are until you confess.

if you have not seen it already

jen cat

best pics from the trip home

 

alissa said it was time for a new post

and she is right. I'm starting to think maybe I will just write this for her. Like the letters of griffin and sabine, watch the conversation as it unfolds between two old friends. I was introduced to that book in high school and i always liked it, however, at the moment I can only recollect what it looks like and nothing of what was written. That is typical of me, i forget what was said or who said it, but I remember distinctly the look, smell, and feeling of the communication. Maybe this is why I come off as scatterbrained. Which I am, and I'm totally okay with it. Mo, calls me a Phoebe.
Tonight was New Years Eve, nothing will ever top the New Years Eve I had in Provo when Gifford let everyone come to the Motel 8 to swim and dance, I like Gifford so much for helping to make that memory. I feel like a lot of people now are too lazy to make memories, they expect it to just happen, but the thing with memories is that often they take a bit of effort, and a bit of magic. Tonight was a let down, not because of how I spent my midnight, but because no one had a sense of adventure. I had it, but I need partners in action to really make it happen. Oh well though, at least I was with friends.

It was time to get a coat

I got ready to meet up with Zack for dinner. I really didn't want to wear pants but it was a blizzard outside so I settled with wool leggings and sweatpants over them. I proceeded to layer with soft sweatshirts that you only wear in your house, and eventually covered up with my thin fall wool coat. I decided walking to bedford would be alright and I headed off. By the time I got there I was completely soaked, and I arrived looking like a madwoman. We met in Brooklyn Industries as my glasses fogged and the whole store turned to look at me in my pajamas and soaked coat. I really didn't care, I thought "this is my neighborhood". I grabbed a coat from the rack and bought it. The cashier said, "I think this will help you tonight." I finally gave in after 5 snowy years of saying I'll get one later, I have a real winter coat.

transitional

mo said that no one at work is dating because this place is transitional, everyone is looking on to the next big thing. people don't date when they are in transition. I thought, "but I'm always in a state of transition."

fears fears fears

I'm afraid of not doing things right, so when good opportunities present themselves, I just get really depressed because I might fail. If I fail then I feel worthless. I have to remember that value is not performance based, I can be valuable without doing things "right". I feel like people have a lot more faith in my abilities than they should. I think its because I'm tall, they think I know what I'm doing when I totally don't have any idea what the heck I am doing. ever. In other news, I'm singing in the choir Christmas program on Sunday and I'm pretty happy about it. I haven't done that in over 10 years, and its something I enjoy.

conversations at the McGorlick church

"I don't really know how to make music, but I played in a band in college"
"well just think of a name for our band, crazy rope, or still life with jack hammer"
"uh huh"
"I need a compressor called a distress-er"
"my therapist encouraged me to make actions to become closer to my sisters"
"its okay to cry"
"okay we can be crazy rope"

I felt loved when they noticed

1. Chris Allman asked if I was slightly crosseyed
2. Laura Eastin knew I was upset.
3. My mom said it was a lot to handle at once
4. Tim asked if there was pain in my face
5. The dentist asked if I was sensitive to spice
6. Alissa remembered that I don't like mustard

thanksgiving in new jersey

The food was traditional and comforting. Traditional because it was the same food my mom makes, comforting for the same reason. I went 40 minutes north of Manhattan with Andrew to spend the holiday, eating, watching Home Alone, Planet Earth, and sitting in a cozy loveseat surrounded by houseplants, cherrywood, and books. The house looked like the one from The Royal Tenanbaums, but 30% less surreal. I kept blinking, wondering how I ended up sitting at a table with a jovial Evangelical minister, his inviting wife, and their son. I was watching myself in a movie, from a sphere of mormons and track homes.

xoxo chris habana

I'm so excited to shoot this collection. Here are a few un/edits I like.

ugh

I should not listen to Muddy Waters with a boy in my bed. ever.

vignette 6 (I love New York)

She rushed in a cab to make it in time to the reading in Ft. Greene. Up a winding whitewashed staircase and onto the polished wood floor she stepped quietly as not to interrupt the reader, who was just finishing her first person story. She was late, but noticed her friend and they sat together in the front row at the pause between readers. The short essays were good, the last 2 were the best and the most risque. She listened in support as her friend read aloud, when midway through the story a man sat next to her. He was late as well. She glanced over and recognized the disheveled salt and pepper hair and glasses. It was Ira Glass. The story ended, the hostess thanked everyone, and then it was out for drinks. The group comprised of about 7 people, all writers, all the kind of people that take delight in noticing funny details. The conversation topics ranged from fraternity boys, to nose bleeds. At one point Ira held her arm and said that she looked like someone he knew in Chicago that was pure evil. The girls asked if she wanted to skateboard on Saturday. One man had the perfect feathery pompadour and ate in a clockwise pattern. Mrs. Glass had noteworthy eyebrows, black frame glasses, and a huge smile. She talked about loving to teach teenagers and going back to grad school. At 11pm they all said goodnight outside the German bar on Fulton. The cars kept driving, the trains kept running, the rain kept falling.

maybe it was not the best idea, but i had to try it anyway

I woke up at 4:15am this morning to watch a beach sunrise with 5 of my favorite people. Totally worth it.

aspirations

Yes, sometimes I still think about what those kids that are a little older than me, who were so cool when I was in high school. Matt Gubler, Jen Ianni, Rhonda Turnbough, Ronnie Vannucci. I still think Rhonda is the prettiest girl ever. I hardly know any of them, they were untouchable cool, nice, and talented. I still have not seen their match since. But it is easy to idealize someone when you are 16 years old. I wonder if Las Vegas will ever be considered a Manchester, the way that its desolate yet goodness comes out of it.

medieval

Sometimes living in new york is like being in a medieval village. You can hear people out of your window, peek out of your window, and know just about everything that is going on. All that is missing are the potato sack clothes, missing teeth, and "Hark" being yelled out. (p.s. this comment is inspired by a very embarrassing happening over the weekend.)

jen is my boss and my friend

here is a proper look at my halloween costume

..

shouldn't we at least consider it?

pushed soil

the thing is

some of the best weekends are followed by the worst weekends. for me it really comes down to whether or not I ate enough.

papa vaughn: as seen on facebook

rory bruggeman you impress me

as i was looking for leeloo's orange suspenders, I found this gem

thinking on the bus

approportraits

excited?

I went out with Chris and Keith tonight, Bee joined us. Bee is 19 and in love with life, in love with fred flare, in love with retail, with blogs, and New York. I listened to her as she beamed a bright smile and told me she keeps thinking she is going to wake up from a dream. In contrast I felt nothing at all, I forget what its like to be that happy, the last time I felt like her I think I was about 19 and was driving my mustang in the desert. Wait, it might have been October of 2007 when I went to Vegas on BYU's tab, and California to do a photoshoot with Drew. Anyway, the thing is, there is no formula for that particular happiness. I can't whip up a cocktail of joy and drink it, I can't move somewhere and be a different person. I know for sure no matter where I am, I am myself. And I am certainly not Bee.

ffffound

I don't know how many of you frequent the site ffffound, but it is one of my favorites. As it turns out, one of my images was on it last month! wowowowowowow.
Look at it HERE.

i got too sleepy to finish this

halloween plans part 1

the most random

I have no idea how this happened, but in the mail yesterday, I received a typewriter typed, hand signed, letter and book of art from my design crush. The envelope was colored on, had funny stickers, and he did not forget the accent on the e at the end of my name. I kept thinking it had to be some mistake. I have only ever emailed him about work related matters. I still think it has to be a mistake. Maybe I will have to take the train to his Brooklyn studio and say "Mike Perry, what is this all about? did you mean to send this to Keith? if so, you spelled his name wrong and it really confused me."

Aquariussssssss

Alright, I haven't read the profile for an aquarius since I started using the internet. Last time I read it I think I was in a Borders book store, or a library. Andrew (he lives next door) said he was bored at work and read about the Leo sign (which he is) and it surprised him how accurate it was. So, bored at 11 at night, I read mine. Its completely right, although I overcame my need to collect things when I was about 18 and decided not to do that. And also, I'm not obsessed with gadgets. I am however, interested in outer space, the future, emotionally detached, love conspiracy, love good intellectual exercise through conversation, adventure seeking, open minded and accepting, yet stubborn in my ideas, surround myself with eccentrics, afraid of boredom, scatterbrained, tactless (I'm working on that), and act as a stabilizing force for others. In short, the shipping manager at my work says I'm a Phoebe.

Dr. Bruce Champagne

I liked his name, and he came recommended, so I went to the doctor today. I got an EKG to check my heart. It has been pounding out of my chest randomly for the past few months. Looks like I'm healthy though. I just have to check my heart rate when I have an episode, and get more sleep. But if it keeps up, I will either go to a cardiologist, or ask him to just get me some Xanax. My vote is for the latter.