Monday, May 4, 2009
another purging sesh
**TMI disclaimer**I have never experienced anything like what happened today. I found out that I am allowed to make mistakes. I've heard it a million times, and of course on the surface I agree that people are human and make mistakes, so I can too. However, I really thought that applied to everyone but me. Being a creative, all I have done since I was about 14 years old was "try to get it right". When I was 14 is when I started taking art very seriously, I started becoming critical of EVERYTHING. It's also when my thoughts of suicide increased. It was a casual thought, a casual jump off a cliff, a knife, a gun, a car wreck. It seemed fine, but the thoughts would get really intense though whenever I made a mistake. Making a mistake meant I was worthless, "I got it wrong", I seriously wanted to die every time. Insane right? I know that, I knew that, but I didn't know how to make those awful thoughts stop. Its been really bad the past 5 years, the expectations of perfection have been paralyzing, I've hardly produced any work because I "might get it wrong". Come to find out today, it's okay to make mistakes. It's a necessary, healthy part of the creative process. I need to get a little messy. And I have to make art (that was part of the last session, I never put it together that I am happier when I have a creative outlet, duh I know). I know this is probably really obvious to everyone, but it's not obvious to me. And finding out, and saying it out loud, caused a reaction in my head that can be described in no other way than a chris angel mind freak.